Allow me take it upon myself to apologise, on behalf of my gender, for certain kinds of men, prevalent in modern society. As far as I can see it, there are three main male stereotypes being perpetuated in our millennial online-social-snap-insta-tinder culture.
I’ll get into those in a minute, but firstly a little about what brought me to these conclusions.
Last year I ended a seven-year relationship, yes SEVEN YEARS. I know right, some of you have bras older than that! I was 25 when we met and 32 when we called it quits. After the obligatory period of mourning, consisting of binge watching Netflix, crying into empty Pringles tubes and eating all the Haribo in a five-kilometre radius, I was ready to get back on the horse, well sort of?
The dating landscape had changed so much I felt like Marty McFly in 2012. Some things had remained the same however, which wasn’t actually all that comforting, if I’m honest.
The Club / Bar Scene
This was still there. Filled with sweaty dudes in tight t-shirts, sticky floors, repetitive music and just general loudness and douchery. The alcohol fuelled rubbing together of bodies coupled with the musk of desperation is definitely not an environment I’m comfortable or effective in.
Sometimes it’s ok to try and fail, horribly, at something to realise what you are good at and what you are epically kak at. I hadn’t been to “da club,” with the intention of approaching a female, for more than three quarters of a decade. My problem was I would get a few double gin and tonics further than necessary. My research shows, the fairer sex, doesn’t respond well to a booze soaked, belligerent, brute shouting “you, hey you, you’re cute as fuck you are” from across the bar. I know right, whoda thunk it!
Obviously this was still there. People still go to gyms right? There are places with the markets and the music on sunny days, why not meet people there? We all need to buy toilet paper, right? The pointing out of which, as a conversation starter in a supermarket, is not as effective as you may think in courting a lady.
The problem, a “friend” of mine discovered, is if a guy has trouble approaching a lady with more “Dutch courage” than the Blue Bulls Rugby team, how can he expect to string a cohesive sentence together in the cold sober light of day? No offense intended, but as fair as you ladies may be, you can be very unforgiving of a blundered approach. When a man is liquored up like a longshoreman these bounce off like water off a duck’s back. But when a man is sober, it can stick like sick to a swede.
The World of On-line Dating
Specifically, Tinder! This came along and I thought, “my salvation” an app that allows me a near on endless supply of women. No face-to-face interaction until I’m ready. “This is perfect,” I thought.
Initially I was even less effective on Tinder as I was in the club. I must have tried every iteration of the word “hi” or “hey” or “what’s up” in the spoken English word and possibly other languages too. Finally after many unresponsive suitors, I realised something. As a result of the sheer amount of options the online world provides ladies, understandably, need to be selective, very selective. Hence I’m going to have to apologise again, you must receive openers like these so often the word “hey” threatens to bring up your morning’s kale shake in spectacular fashion.
I realised through, let’s call it more than a few, messages, dates and botched attempts at relationships that quality women need to weed out the creeps and the weirdos.
Earlier I mentioned the male stereotypes prevalent in modern society. There are three main ones, as far as I can see.
The Creep. (Or the Walking Talking Dickpic.)
The reason I label this type of guy the walking dickpic? This is the guy who sends a “junk mail” as soon as he gets a number. Unsolicited of course! Women have been so reticent to dish their digits, because they’ve been speaking to a guy on Tinder for a while and…
“He seemed really great and decent. We hadn’t even mentioned sex and as soon as I gave him my number the first message was a dickpic.”
This is a sentiment shared by more than one woman I have met. It’s actually been more than I would like to mention. I’ve always wondered what possess a man to do such a thing? What goes through his mind?
“If I send this girl a picture of my dick, it is a clear indication of my strength of character, my charming nature and my quick witted humour. Obviously she will fall in love with me at the sight of my schlong!”
This same man expects sex one the first date, just because he paid for a bottle of wine and perhaps even a mediocre meal. That his very presence deserves, neigh requires, ladies to fawn at his feet in the wake of his self proclaimed magnificence.
A note to my boys: Gents, please just no. I don’t care if you’re Dirk Diggler. Just stop it!
Then there’s the flip side of the same coin. Which, coincidentally, is just as an effective of a repellent to confident, desirable, high quality woman as the bro with the backwards cap, Tapout t-shirt and the vape pen that looks like Otimus Prime’s penis.
The Weirdo. What I like to call:
The Needy, Weedy Weidro.
The guy who is so insecure he puts too much weight on the slightest interaction, especially at the early stages. The guy that seems to be at his phone waiting for your every message, replying before you can even go offline. They always want to see you, will drop everything they are doing to spend time with you. Which seems like it should create attraction right? Yet it remains none existent. In fact, it can even become as repellent as a pastor with a can of doom.
This guy goes into one of two places. Either the friend zone, where few men have ever returned from, and hats off to those who have. Or blocked because he has managed to creep you out so much. By professing his affections too much, with messages like “I miss you” or “I can’t wait to see you again” or the dreaded “I’ll do whatever you want to do.”Ladies, correct me if I’m wrong, but if you are a woman with a career, a social life and hobbies that are important to you. You want a man to have the same. You want a guy who has things that are important to him. A relationship based on the co-dependency of the other is a relationship that is doomed to fail.
A note to my boys: Gents, please don’t be this guy either. Your life is your life, live it for you not for anyone else, especially someone you just met. Neediness kills attraction.
This brings me to type the of guy that, with any luck, will bring hope to the ladies of intrigue and self-awareness. If the other two are both sides of the same coin, this is the coin that mysteriously lands on it’s side and just balances there, an anomaly that stands out from the crowd.
This is the discerning man who knows what he wants out of life and is on the way to getting it. His values and path are clearly defined. He is the man he wants to be and unapologetically, authentically and relentlessly pursues that. Essentially he is the type of guy that the woman he is looking for is looking for.
I feel I must add I believe chivalry is not dead. As a gentleman is a man running his own race he has the confidence, peace of mind and self-awareness to treat a lady as such. He is intentional with her, as he is in life. He pursues her by presenting his own authentic self, knowing that if they do not like him for that, the fit would not work long term anyway. A man completely comfortable in his own shoes, and not afraid to show it, knowing he would be wasting her time and his if he was any other way.
So ladies I would like to apologies a final time, for there not being enough gentlemen in the world. However there is hope, just know there are many men who are searching for their own authentic self. So don’t give up hope and keep searching, you’ll find one eventually, if you haven’t already.
A final note to my boys:
If you are reading this then you are on the right track to being the gentleman the woman of your dreams so desires. By committing to concentrating on yourself, defining your values, becoming self-aware, discovering your strengths and searching for your authentic self you are ten steps ahead of the selfish “dickpic” and selfless “weirdo.”Gents go out there and be the very best version of yourself, in everything that you do. Discover who you are and what you want and pursue that without compromise. Be your own version of a gentleman, whatever that may be, and you’ll be more than half way there to attracting the lady you want.
Ladies, I think you’ll agree.
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